Looking at you sleeping...you'll be just a man...once I use to know.

Today...I'm tired.  I think about the future and its overwhelming presence in everything I do. What is the point? Why do songs like The Hill strike instant nostalgia. Its not rain outside thats manipulating my feelings...its the sense of the unknown. The adventure I crave but that ruins my life every time. Its like a vicious nicotine in my veins...in my lungs. I'm addicted. Today I woke up with a desire for consistency...and yet...even though I hate packing my hikers pack...the high I get from putting it on my shoulders is crippling. I want a back porch...with a rocking chair and a smile. Talking after a long day of work till the sun sets. The smell of cloves and the forest musk overtaking my senses...not the feeling that I'll have to pick up and leave sooner than I realize. I wish to hang up pictures on a wall with nails sand not have to think of taking them down...I want to own a painting. At the same time...as I contemplate having this consistency I do a U-turn and I think...I'm scared of having the same small porch forever...the same creaky rocking chair...the stench of cheap cigars and forest humidity rotting my nostrils. Having to sit in the same chair and count the seconds as my life passes me by..9 to 5 then waiting for the sun to end another miserable day...another one soon to follow the next day. Walking into a house and seeing the same stupid paintings I've had forever. Its like that monologue in 500 days of summer...at the beginning of the movie the leading lad describes his love Summer...

I love her smile. I love her hair. I love her knees. I love how she licks her lips before she talks. I love her heart-shaped birthmark on her neck. I love it when she sleeps. 


Then as the relationship progresses then comes to a full stop his love has turned to this...

I hate her crooked teeth. I hate her 1960s haircut. I hate her knobby knees. I hate her cockroach-shaped splotch on her neck. I hate the way she smacks her lips before she talks. I hate the way she sounds when she laughs. 


I don't want to be anyone's Summer and I don't want to fall in-love with Fall and then realize the warmth I thought I felt was really a humidity growing inside that burst into a fungus that destroyed me from the inside out. I long to date that force called consistency and let him be the beautiful thing I know he can be but the wind in my hair struggles. I have packed 8 times this year and I have 5 more confirmed and lined up...song line up for today when my own words fail...

Choking- Angus & Julia Stones...Sailed On- Landon Pigg...Nine La Dispute...Might as well be Strangers Keane...The Hill Marketa Irglova and Love Always Remains...MGMT

It could be the time we're living in...we'll never feel so safe again...but love always remains...

Jay


The sound of people laughing at their fear...

Too long...a little too late

Dear Readers whoever you may be,


I write you from Houston, Texas. I should change my blog name to lighting....never know where it will strike. It most definitely has been a long three months. I am glad to say that I did get to South Africa although I also have to say that I had a confusing month. It was the place I had dreamed of, cried for, worked towards for the past two years. I got there and it felt premature. I didn't feel right about being there. I don't know how to explain it...what I can say is that memories and moments would have been at stake if I stayed. So with much difficulty I decided to return to the uncertain. There was absolutely nothing easy about it. Upon arriving I had no idea if I should keep writing my friends back in South Africa for fear of not being able to focus on the now and the present...I had no idea when I'd be back...life was too unpredictable. And I knew God will take me back someday...where? Even now I'm not sure...I know I'll stop by South Africa again but when I'll be back I don't know but I look forward to that day already.
Now I am in April and I see that so much has changed since I left in February...I have changed. I have realized so many missing and broken pieces that need to be fixed. There is nothing about the future that doesn't intimidate me but I am constantly reminded of God's understanding and guidance. He never judges but encourages. He never blinds He enlightens. He is patient and always understanding. And He guides when we are blind. I was able to visit a Hare Krishna when I was in South Africa and it provided me so much peace. I will always remember my tender moments with God in that place. He taught me love as I loved His creation. He taught me discipline as I sat on a thin cushion for an hour and then some. He taught me peace when He gave it to me in those moments...in the midst of my mental chaos...a place I felt I had locked away in alone. Below I'll put my synopsis of my experience there. I hope it blesses you...I hope it encourages you to find God in places where you haven't yet. Before I close I'll share a little bit of what I've been doing. As of now I'm in Houston, Texas and patience is on the menu. I have never been stretched so much in this area. From not finding a job for the life of me...for having to deal with myself every morning...which is hard considering how people oriented I am. It has been difficult but I feel the wires of my brain break and quietly rearrange (a stolen lyric from La Dispute :) look them up!) and it has been great to have to stop and listen. I have always been an impulsive traveler and although I have felt God smile on my adventures I feel He is wanting me to be rooted somewhere for a while. I have been praying about His direction on this matter. There are so many places I feel I can go to help people which is what I love to do but at the same time I feel Him wanting me to rest....wait...and hold my breath for His ready, set, GO! I'm ready...I want to go but I have to be set first. So that is where I find myself. However, instead of just waiting and not doing anything I have gotten in contact with a man called John Glenn who has connected me with the Karen and Karenni in Houston. The same people group I worked with in Jubilee. I have been teaching them English for the past two weekends and will until I move on from Houston. To my joy and pride I have recruited my younger sister Marissa to help since I have a class of 53 students and I want to split the group in two. There is a great need and I want to be efficient. So please pray for wisdom for us as we teach. It has been an amazing experience for me and I am over joyed to have my sister join me. What can I say? I'm proud of my little ( not so little anymore) 17 year old sister! I mean how many 17 year olds can see outside their drama and help other people? I am truly blessed to have this one as mine. Well before I go off on a tangent. I'll close. If any of you would like to know more about whats going on with the future shoot me an e-mail and I'd love to tell you more in detail. I mean this is a blog but it doesn't mean I have to put every little detail of my life on here and then some ;) stay blessed and more posts from Houston soon to come.

E-mail: jmercyv@gmail.com

English Class with Marissa :) click to view the pictures. Hopefully the link works :)

Jess

Hare Krishna:

Today I went to the Hare Krishna. It was…surprisingly what I needed. My spirit feels cleansed. I tried to have a taste of the unhealthy but its just not the same. I am currently drinking a Dry Lemon Schweppes and it feels toxic to my body. So I’m trading it for water. It isn’t necessarily but it feels as if it is. As if I should be in taking only water. Things that are pure in nature and good. I feel energized by the fruit in my mouth the water in my bottle. I have been longing for spiritual food for so long. That community of humans loving a Deity beyond us. I long to see that in the Christian community. We spend hours and thousands of dollars worrying about how the worship team sounds like. What we feel it should look like. I know what I believe in…in Jesus and in His truth but being able to dance with the Hare Krishna today was…..surreal. Just being able to repeat over and over again

Hare Krishna

Hare Krishna

Krishna, Krishna

Hare, Hare

Hare Rama

Hare Rama

Rama, Rama

Hare, Hare

Thank you Krishna, Thank you Rama. How many Christians would be ok with repeating Thank you Lord, Thank you Jesus over and over and over and over again for about 45 minutes to an hour? Dancing only to the beat of a few drums? I can hardly think of anyone that would be ok with that. As I sat on a mat for an hour I learned the beginnings of discipline. Teaching my body to surrender to my mind. Sitting in a position for so long. His gracious mentioned the topic of suffering…and how our bodies will constantly fight us. How have I not come to that realization? Why have I been a slave to my flesh so willingly? Today I learned empathy. To bow with my brothers and sisters of the world and still have the God of my heart inside but to know what its really like to put yourself in someone’s shoes. Nama Ste. God blessed me today through my experience with the Hare Krishna. I felt Him there. In the smile of the little 2 year old Amrita who’s birthday was today…watching her go back and forth on her own learning how to dance. Seeing the teenage girls lining up in a train to run in adoration without any pressure or obligation or embarrassment. Seeing the 60 year old foreigner dance with her Sari as if she was at home in India. With a smile on her face and the energy of a young boy. In the young woman in her 20’s who was so loving in taking me, a westerner and a foreigner with my handful of flowers to pay respect to their saints. She didn’t have to but she took my hand and told me she would show me the way. How many of us do the same with visitors at our churches? When the new person comes to visit…no matter how they look we don’t just take them in. We judge them silently. Pretending, and lying to ourselves that we are more worthy to see God’s face. That if we have less bodily piercings, tattoos….God will see the purity of our heart and chose us over our bother with the cross of Christ on his arm. How does that make sense? It doesn’t. I want to go back there at least once a month. While still going to church. I don’t want to lose myself but it truly does something to my heart, my mind my body and even influences my outlook of worship to my own Lord and savior.