Looking at you sleeping...you'll be just a man...once I use to know.

Today...I'm tired.  I think about the future and its overwhelming presence in everything I do. What is the point? Why do songs like The Hill strike instant nostalgia. Its not rain outside thats manipulating my feelings...its the sense of the unknown. The adventure I crave but that ruins my life every time. Its like a vicious nicotine in my veins...in my lungs. I'm addicted. Today I woke up with a desire for consistency...and yet...even though I hate packing my hikers pack...the high I get from putting it on my shoulders is crippling. I want a back porch...with a rocking chair and a smile. Talking after a long day of work till the sun sets. The smell of cloves and the forest musk overtaking my senses...not the feeling that I'll have to pick up and leave sooner than I realize. I wish to hang up pictures on a wall with nails sand not have to think of taking them down...I want to own a painting. At the same time...as I contemplate having this consistency I do a U-turn and I think...I'm scared of having the same small porch forever...the same creaky rocking chair...the stench of cheap cigars and forest humidity rotting my nostrils. Having to sit in the same chair and count the seconds as my life passes me by..9 to 5 then waiting for the sun to end another miserable day...another one soon to follow the next day. Walking into a house and seeing the same stupid paintings I've had forever. Its like that monologue in 500 days of summer...at the beginning of the movie the leading lad describes his love Summer...

I love her smile. I love her hair. I love her knees. I love how she licks her lips before she talks. I love her heart-shaped birthmark on her neck. I love it when she sleeps. 


Then as the relationship progresses then comes to a full stop his love has turned to this...

I hate her crooked teeth. I hate her 1960s haircut. I hate her knobby knees. I hate her cockroach-shaped splotch on her neck. I hate the way she smacks her lips before she talks. I hate the way she sounds when she laughs. 


I don't want to be anyone's Summer and I don't want to fall in-love with Fall and then realize the warmth I thought I felt was really a humidity growing inside that burst into a fungus that destroyed me from the inside out. I long to date that force called consistency and let him be the beautiful thing I know he can be but the wind in my hair struggles. I have packed 8 times this year and I have 5 more confirmed and lined up...song line up for today when my own words fail...

Choking- Angus & Julia Stones...Sailed On- Landon Pigg...Nine La Dispute...Might as well be Strangers Keane...The Hill Marketa Irglova and Love Always Remains...MGMT

It could be the time we're living in...we'll never feel so safe again...but love always remains...

Jay


The sound of people laughing at their fear...

Too long...a little too late

Dear Readers whoever you may be,


I write you from Houston, Texas. I should change my blog name to lighting....never know where it will strike. It most definitely has been a long three months. I am glad to say that I did get to South Africa although I also have to say that I had a confusing month. It was the place I had dreamed of, cried for, worked towards for the past two years. I got there and it felt premature. I didn't feel right about being there. I don't know how to explain it...what I can say is that memories and moments would have been at stake if I stayed. So with much difficulty I decided to return to the uncertain. There was absolutely nothing easy about it. Upon arriving I had no idea if I should keep writing my friends back in South Africa for fear of not being able to focus on the now and the present...I had no idea when I'd be back...life was too unpredictable. And I knew God will take me back someday...where? Even now I'm not sure...I know I'll stop by South Africa again but when I'll be back I don't know but I look forward to that day already.
Now I am in April and I see that so much has changed since I left in February...I have changed. I have realized so many missing and broken pieces that need to be fixed. There is nothing about the future that doesn't intimidate me but I am constantly reminded of God's understanding and guidance. He never judges but encourages. He never blinds He enlightens. He is patient and always understanding. And He guides when we are blind. I was able to visit a Hare Krishna when I was in South Africa and it provided me so much peace. I will always remember my tender moments with God in that place. He taught me love as I loved His creation. He taught me discipline as I sat on a thin cushion for an hour and then some. He taught me peace when He gave it to me in those moments...in the midst of my mental chaos...a place I felt I had locked away in alone. Below I'll put my synopsis of my experience there. I hope it blesses you...I hope it encourages you to find God in places where you haven't yet. Before I close I'll share a little bit of what I've been doing. As of now I'm in Houston, Texas and patience is on the menu. I have never been stretched so much in this area. From not finding a job for the life of me...for having to deal with myself every morning...which is hard considering how people oriented I am. It has been difficult but I feel the wires of my brain break and quietly rearrange (a stolen lyric from La Dispute :) look them up!) and it has been great to have to stop and listen. I have always been an impulsive traveler and although I have felt God smile on my adventures I feel He is wanting me to be rooted somewhere for a while. I have been praying about His direction on this matter. There are so many places I feel I can go to help people which is what I love to do but at the same time I feel Him wanting me to rest....wait...and hold my breath for His ready, set, GO! I'm ready...I want to go but I have to be set first. So that is where I find myself. However, instead of just waiting and not doing anything I have gotten in contact with a man called John Glenn who has connected me with the Karen and Karenni in Houston. The same people group I worked with in Jubilee. I have been teaching them English for the past two weekends and will until I move on from Houston. To my joy and pride I have recruited my younger sister Marissa to help since I have a class of 53 students and I want to split the group in two. There is a great need and I want to be efficient. So please pray for wisdom for us as we teach. It has been an amazing experience for me and I am over joyed to have my sister join me. What can I say? I'm proud of my little ( not so little anymore) 17 year old sister! I mean how many 17 year olds can see outside their drama and help other people? I am truly blessed to have this one as mine. Well before I go off on a tangent. I'll close. If any of you would like to know more about whats going on with the future shoot me an e-mail and I'd love to tell you more in detail. I mean this is a blog but it doesn't mean I have to put every little detail of my life on here and then some ;) stay blessed and more posts from Houston soon to come.

E-mail: jmercyv@gmail.com

English Class with Marissa :) click to view the pictures. Hopefully the link works :)

Jess

Hare Krishna:

Today I went to the Hare Krishna. It was…surprisingly what I needed. My spirit feels cleansed. I tried to have a taste of the unhealthy but its just not the same. I am currently drinking a Dry Lemon Schweppes and it feels toxic to my body. So I’m trading it for water. It isn’t necessarily but it feels as if it is. As if I should be in taking only water. Things that are pure in nature and good. I feel energized by the fruit in my mouth the water in my bottle. I have been longing for spiritual food for so long. That community of humans loving a Deity beyond us. I long to see that in the Christian community. We spend hours and thousands of dollars worrying about how the worship team sounds like. What we feel it should look like. I know what I believe in…in Jesus and in His truth but being able to dance with the Hare Krishna today was…..surreal. Just being able to repeat over and over again

Hare Krishna

Hare Krishna

Krishna, Krishna

Hare, Hare

Hare Rama

Hare Rama

Rama, Rama

Hare, Hare

Thank you Krishna, Thank you Rama. How many Christians would be ok with repeating Thank you Lord, Thank you Jesus over and over and over and over again for about 45 minutes to an hour? Dancing only to the beat of a few drums? I can hardly think of anyone that would be ok with that. As I sat on a mat for an hour I learned the beginnings of discipline. Teaching my body to surrender to my mind. Sitting in a position for so long. His gracious mentioned the topic of suffering…and how our bodies will constantly fight us. How have I not come to that realization? Why have I been a slave to my flesh so willingly? Today I learned empathy. To bow with my brothers and sisters of the world and still have the God of my heart inside but to know what its really like to put yourself in someone’s shoes. Nama Ste. God blessed me today through my experience with the Hare Krishna. I felt Him there. In the smile of the little 2 year old Amrita who’s birthday was today…watching her go back and forth on her own learning how to dance. Seeing the teenage girls lining up in a train to run in adoration without any pressure or obligation or embarrassment. Seeing the 60 year old foreigner dance with her Sari as if she was at home in India. With a smile on her face and the energy of a young boy. In the young woman in her 20’s who was so loving in taking me, a westerner and a foreigner with my handful of flowers to pay respect to their saints. She didn’t have to but she took my hand and told me she would show me the way. How many of us do the same with visitors at our churches? When the new person comes to visit…no matter how they look we don’t just take them in. We judge them silently. Pretending, and lying to ourselves that we are more worthy to see God’s face. That if we have less bodily piercings, tattoos….God will see the purity of our heart and chose us over our bother with the cross of Christ on his arm. How does that make sense? It doesn’t. I want to go back there at least once a month. While still going to church. I don’t want to lose myself but it truly does something to my heart, my mind my body and even influences my outlook of worship to my own Lord and savior.

GREAT NEWS!!! :)

Quick update soon but just for now a happy new years!!! And the great news is my visa came in today!!! :)
South Africa on the horizon! :)


God bless you all this year!

Jessie

Pack it up.Keep moving.

I don't know how I feel today...but what I feel is that I feel.
As the time to move to Africa approaches I find myself more and more torn.
Here comes adventure number three.
Can I do it?
I have to...this is the last time I apply for a term less than five years to Africa...I hope.
I am getting ready to leave Jubilee...I'm not ready for that.
To leave anyone.To leave everything.
It paralyzes me to think that I didn't prepare.
I spent too much time loving.
Too much time laughing.
Dancing.
Hugging.
Singing.
I am not prepared.
Its alright though.I'll rub that red sand in my wounds...and sing myself to healing.
I have to.
Pack em up...keep going.

What if we crossed the Red Sea but not in a straight line?? But God Altered the water for safety from Pharaoh's View...just wondering....

I leave you with Today's song...

Moses Don't Get Lost by Duhks.
Based on an old soul song.

Moses, Moses, don't get lost | In that red sea
Smite your rod and come across | In that red sea
Oh Moses, Moses take my hand | In that red sea
Take me out of Egypt land | In that red sea

Oh Moses, Moses part the waters | In that red sea
Take us to the lands of our fathers | In that red sea

Moses, Moses, Pharoah coming | In that red sea
Don't you hear those horses running | In that red sea

Promised land is just across | Across that red sea
Moses, Moses don't get lost | In that red sea

Stop and talk about your host got lost, got lost, got lost
Talkin' about your host got lost | In that red sea

Stop and talk about your host got lost, got lost, got lost
Talkin' about your host got lost | In that red sea

Oh Moses, Moses, don't get lost | In that red sea
Smite your rod and come across | In that red sea

Oh Moses, Moses, don't get lost | In that red sea
Smite your rod and come across | In that red sea

Yeah, ol Pharoah and the host got lost, got lost, got lost
Pharoah and the host got lost| In that red sea

Yeah, ol Pharoah and the host got lost, got lost, got lost
Pharoah and the host got lost| In that red sea

Oh Moses, Moses, don't get lost | In that red sea
Smite your rod and come across | In that red sea

Oh Moses, Moses, don't get lost | In that red sea
Smite your rod and come across | In that red sea

Oh Moses, Moses, don't get lost | In that red sea
Smite your rod and come across | In that red sea

Moses, Moses, don't get lost | In that red sea
Smite your rod and come across | In that red sea
In that red sea
In that red sea

I wasn't prepared for this...

Flume
I am my mother's only one
It's enough

I wear my garment so it shows
Now you know

Only love is all maroon
Gluey feathers on a flume
Sky is womb and she's the moon

I am my mother on the wall, with us all
I move in water, shore to shore
Nothing's more

Only love is all maroon
Lapping lakes like leary loons
Leaving rope burns
Reddish ruse

Only love is all maroon
Gluey feathers on a flume
Sky is womb and she's the moon 


Music has been way too much to my senses lately. I'm not sure how to express it but I need to just lock myself up in a room and confront my memories with songs that I just.can't.shake. Words sung that are like nails on a chalkboard to my heart. Can I stop listening to music? Can I stop feeling? Can I live life as a light wave and ignore the fact that my being makes a sound in the universe? I can't. So here goes nothing. And today...I start with you Bon Iver.




....Someday my pain, someday my pain

Will mark you

Harness your blame, harness your blame

And walk through....

Its just too far...

vul·ner·a·ble[vuhl-ner-uh-buhl]
–adjective
1.capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt: a vulnerable part of the body.2.open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: anargument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.3. open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerablebridge

The first being the one I resonate with. It is such a scary thing to be vulnerable. What if things don't work out? What if I'm left to fight my fears alone??? What if I fail and no one is there to catch me?? When preparing to embark on this journey home. I fear that I will find the true meaning of home too late. If I travel the world and scatter my heart in the hands of the women, children and fathers and mothers and sisters and brothers that I meet...what will be left for me?? Is there suppose to be something left?? If home is where heart is where is home for me??? So many questions I have....so much love I have to embrace and so much I have to let go. How to know when to be strong...and when to just lay your burden down and trust others to carry you when you just can't anymore. When to know to lay it down and carry them....




Gonna lay my burden down
Gonna lay my body in the ground
Cold clay against my skin
But I don't care at all

Can't seem to find my piece of mind
So with the earth I'll lay entwined
Six feet underground
My feet are warm and dry

When I get to the other side
I'll put your picture way up high
But I'm not coming back to you
It's just too far

If I was cast off on the sea
Would you come and look for me
Or would you just let me sink
Beneath the waves so blue

What if I had learned to fly
Fly all night till day drew nigh
Touch down upon a branch and
Scan the crowd for you

When I touch my feet on the land
I'll kiss your lips and take you in
But you know I'm not here to stay
It's just too far

Darling can't you hear me cry
My bones are broke
My tongue is tied
The moon is swaying back and forth
Against the navy sky
Is all I can see
My body is trembling on my knees
Just have a little mercy on me
Run away and hide

When I sleep the angels sing
But I cannot hear a thing
Eyes close
Dreaming of better days gone by

When I wake the trumpets play
And I'm standing at the gates
Fall down and joy
I know my race has just been won

When I was young my momma would say
Well live is hard, but that's OK
If you can make it through the day
It's not that far
No, it's not that far


Lay My Burden Down


By Alison Krauss


Click link to hear the song its awesome.

The Journey Begins!

Dear Readers,


I have never been inspired to begin or keep up with a blog until now. I realized the other day that in about a month I will be leaving Comer, Georgia and beginning my physical journey back to Africa. Beginning in Georgia, on to Florida,St.Louis, Houston,New York, London and then finally Johannesburg,South Africa. I'm not sure where my heart will be then in relationship to all its going through now...leaving friends, family etc...but all I know is the road has been placed before me once again...and my heart is going back home.

Stay tuned!